just tell him i said nine months
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
