this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
