chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Randomize
