If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
All I want is dick and wine.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
