my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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