i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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