and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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