RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Houston, we have a blender
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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