So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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