remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
When did angry sex become our thing?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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