her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
