thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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