Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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