So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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