i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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