I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
