You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
