i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
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i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
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I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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