is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
