kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
