if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
