also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
