well you can't waste a boner
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
