So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
