I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
