is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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