Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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