Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
