Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
