3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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