im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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