I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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