I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
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She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
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The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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