Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
