I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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