either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
