I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
