Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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