i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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