They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
