1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
