yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
