i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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