I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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