I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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