I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
