I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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