Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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