Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
