Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
