I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
