im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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