tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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