things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
In America we eat man semen.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
