If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
