I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
