it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
