Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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