she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
