be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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