Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
