My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
