Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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