We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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