He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
