Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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